


if i get high, will i see you again?

by overcastphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Loss, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, One Shot, Sad, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 01:32:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11430384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overcastphan/pseuds/overcastphan
Summary: a phan one shot inspired by the song and music video for 'if i get high' by nothing but thieves





	if i get high, will i see you again?

**Author's Note:**

> ! TRIGGER WARNING ! - death, mention of a car crash, mention of blood (only once but i'm gonna add this anyway in case), and general sadness. please read at your own risk and if there are other possible triggers i missed please comment and i'll add them to this list. stay safe

**_lucid dreaming_ ** _\- a dream during which the dreamer is aware of dreaming. the dreamer may be able to exert some degree of control over the dream characters, narrative, and environment._

Dan had been gone for 6 months.

By gone, Phil meant dead. There really wasn't any way to sugarcoat it. Phil had spent half a year without the person who made him into the person he wanted to be. Half a year without his better half, the only half he needed.

There was an accident. A night that Phil wouldn't be able to forget even if he was told he could lose the memory. It would still be there. The aching, the missing part in his chest. He would always know that something was gone and wouldn't be coming back.

Phil remembered that night as if it was yesterday and it may as well have been since every day and night had blurred together since then. He had no concept of time since Dan was gone. Dan was his rock, his reminder of the life around him. Now there was nothing.

It had been raining, a typical forecast for taking away things that mattered. Dan had been driving, Phil was in the passenger seat. They had just finished date night and were heading home. Dan had proposed, Phil had said yes, they were both happy. The rain sounded light on the roof of the car, Phil was watching the raindrops fall down the window. They both loved the rain.

Then the rain had picked up, falling at a much faster velocity than before. It was still okay to drive in, Dan just took it slower and became more cautious. If only the other driver had done the same. The driver ran a red, going way over the speed limit, crashing into Dan's side.

Dan had died on impact, blood trickling over the engagement ring. Phil was knocked unconscious and didn't know what had happened until he awoke in the hospital later. He had wished he had died alongside Dan the moment he found out. He screamed, and cried, covering his mouth with his left hand, tears falling onto his ring, washing away the future he and Dan would have had together.

Phil spent the first month in the hospital. He knew if he hadn't been kept there he would have been found dead. He didn't eat or talk. He didn't do much of anything except sleep. Sleep was only a paradise when the sound of squealing brakes and broken glass didn't jolt him awake.

The first few seconds of waking up were his favourite. The moment where you forget where you are and what had happened. Right before the pain and grief came rushing back in like a tidal wave.

He was released and spent the next few months with his parents. Everyone knew he wouldn't be able to live on his own, the risk was too high, and even Phil knew he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do anything.

All he did was look at pictures of him and Dan, videos they had done together, ones that never reached the internet. Home videos that were for their eyes only, and now only for Phil's. This was the closest he was ever going to be to Dan again.

6 months had gone by and Phil still watched the same videos on repeat. Anything Dan owned had lost his smell and Phil couldn't bring himself to forget the sound of his voice and his laugh. The feeling of his lips against Phil's was missing, his hand was empty without Dan's to hold, the bed seemed too large without another body to share it with.

Phil found peace in the videos and the dreams that didn't involve Dan dying. Sometimes he was able to hold onto those dreams, and sometimes they would slip away as he woke up and were forgotten. All Phil wanted was another moment with Dan. A moment to hold him and to tell him how much he needed him here with him. Life without Dan wasn't much of a life at all.

Phil turned to lucid dreaming. It hadn't worked for him yet, but he wouldn't stop until it did. He needed something to ease the ache, even if he knew it was only in a dream. For him, it was better than nothing.

Every night, Phil tried. Usually he would just fall asleep and have normal dreams or no dreams at all. Either way, he woke up disappointed. He needed it to work, he needed an escape. He needed to hold Dan again, to feel his body against his, to hear his laugh and see his smile as if he were still here.

_God,_  he wished he was still here.

2 more months had gone by and Phil had still failed. He wanted to give up, but the thought of seeing Dan again in a place he could control and remember was too strong. Phil did have to admit that him trying this was keeping his mind occupied. The ache of Dan being missing was still there, it would always be there, and he still cried more often than he ever had before, but this goal kept him going. He would do this for both himself and Dan.

One night was different. He had spent over an hour sobbing into his sweater, hoping he didn't wake his parents in this room next door. They worried enough about him already. For some reason the sound of Dan's laugh had caused an unstoppable amount of tears. Phil knew he was never going to be able to hear it again. Never be able to see Dan not on a screen. They would never get married, never adopt kids, never get the dog they wanted so badly.

Dan was gone and he wasn't coming back.

Phil knew he needed to accept that, but moving on felt like betrayal. It felt like forgetting Dan existed and removing the love they had shared. Phil had to hold onto anything he could, he knew he would never love another as he loved Dan and that was okay. He didn't want to. He just needed to see Dan again.

He fell asleep that night with tear stained cheeks and swollen eyes. Too tired to move or think of anything but Dan. His brain was on a constant loop of Dan. And maybe that's what helped.

His eyes opened but he wasn't in his old bedroom at his parents. He was in his and Dan's flat.

He was  _home_.

Phil knew he wasn't actually home, but he was. He could feel the carpet under his toes, he could smell a candle burning from the lounge, he could vividly see everything, including his dying houseplants.

He walked through the flat, slowly because he was scared he would trip and wake himself up. Leave it to him to trip in a dream and mess this up.

"Phil?!"

He teared up hearing that one word. He knew who said it, the only person that he thought made his name sound beautiful. That voice was engrained in his memory forever, he knew it better than his own.

"Dan? Where are you?" His voice cracked, he had wanted this so badly.

"In the lounge. Where else would I be?"

Phil rounded the corner and raised a hand to cover his mouth. Dan was sitting on the couch, where he always sat with his awful posture and feet on the coffee table. He turned around, smiling the smile that reminded Phil good things existed in this world.

"There you are!"

Dan stood up, walking towards Phil. His hair was natural, his dimples were showing. He looked radiant and  _alive_.

"It worked." Phil said, barely believing it himself.

"I knew you'd manage to. You were always persistent."

Phil reached out, cupping Dan's cheek, feeling the warmth. Dan grabbed Phil's hand and shut his eyes. "I've missed you so much, Phil Lester."

"Not as much as I've missed you."

He pulled him in, clutching onto the back of Dan's t-shirt, burying his head into the crook of his neck. It was exactly how he remembered it. This is what had kept him alive.

"Please don't cry. You know I can't stand to see you cry."

"I can't help it. I've missed you more than anything. I needed to see you, to hold you, I need you back in my life."

"I'd say something about always being there but we both know that's bullshit anyway."

Phil pulled away, he needed to see his eyes. The honey brown that made him feel safe, made him feel needed and loved. He traced his fingers along Dan's jaw and cheekbones, taking in every inch of him as if it was the first time.

"You're so beautiful."

Dan smiled sheepishly, "I'm alright I guess."

"Why did it have to be you?"

"That wouldn't have made it easier. You know I'm useless on my own."

"This shouldn't have happened. It isn't fair. You're supposed to be alive, with me. We're supposed to start a new life together, start a family. We were supposed to be happy and grow old and wrinkly together. I can't do that without you. I wish we had just stayed in that night, I wish it had never happened."

"That night was one of the happiest nights of my life, Phil. Besides the whole dying part. You're right, it isn't fair, but there wasn't anything you could have done. You made that night good, and special. I knew I picked the right man to want to spend the rest of my life with. And in a way, I did."

"It should have been longer. Much longer. Life isn't life without you, Dan."

"I know. But you can live it again. You have so many people that care about you, including me. Live for them, live for me."

Phil kissed Dan, and Dan kissed Phil. It felt like before, and despite being in a dream the same butterflies erupted in Phil's stomach and his face grew warm. He smiled for the first time since Dan left.

"Can I stay here forever?"

"I wish you could, but we both know you can't. This isn't reality, I'm not real."

"Real enough."

"I love you, Phil."

"I love you, I always have and I always will."

"Good, I can't have you forgetting me."

"Never. You're too special for that."

They spent a while longer just being with each other, but Phil could feel himself waking up. The environment around him was dimming, and he could feel Dan slipping away. Again. But it didn't hurt as much this time, because he knew he would be here if he needed him.

Phil woke up to the sun shining through his window and for the first time in 8 months he didn't feel like there was a weight resting on his chest. He didn't feel normal, but it was a start.

He knew he would miss Dan until the day he died. The missing part of him would always be missing, the ache would never completely disappear, but it would get lighter. Grief eventually passed, or at least didn't cloud every fibre of your being.

Phil knew he would eventually see Dan again, whether it be a dream or a memory, and maybe that was enough.


End file.
